ARIZONA TEACHER WALKOUT: PART 1

If you live in Arizona and have children, chances are that you were SOMEHOW affected by the teacher walkout. Guess what. I don't really care to hear your [likely longwinded] opinion on it. All you need to know is that I support my children's teachers 100%. These four fabulous women are shaping my children into amazing, little humans with the help of a speech specialist, a gifted & talented teacher, teaching assistants, playground and classroom aids, specialty teachers, and support staff. So you better believe that I wore red A LOT throughout April. I stood at the school and I stood at the capital because that's where they were, too, despite YEARNING to be in the classroom. I communicated with several of them throughout the duration of the walkout and offered continue support and encouragement. I simply cannot convey how much love and respect I have for all of the educators and staff members at my children's school. So here are our REDFORED pictures.

REAL

Alright, guys. Prepare yourselves for an existential post; I'm about to pour out some heavy.
Have you ever had one of those days that was just so... positively beautiful that you felt like everything in life had finally aligned? Today was one of those days for me. It wasn't perfect. Oh no. The littlest boy decided to walk/tumble down a slide. The wee baby choked on the arm of her sunglasses. The second oldest screamed for a good fifteen minutes over a rock. Typical day. But something else happened throughout all of this: I found my balance. I learned that I am capable of taking a day-long trip to the zoo with my six on a total whim. I learned that I don't really care what others think when I [discreetly] nurse my baby while watching my other little ones play. And I learned that I am happiest when I am present with my children - not just "there". It's ridiculous that it took so long for me to discover this. It really is. But I haven't been in tune with myself lately because I've been suffering from postpartum depression. Luckily, I knew what was happening soon after my sweet baby girl was born. I had such a difficult recovery and she had such rough beginning; those first two month were miserable. I had a hard time adjusting and it honestly felt like I was drowning. For what might be the first time in my life, I swallowed my pride. I told my doctor. I began taking antidepressants when Olivia was six weeks old. And they changed everything. My attitude. My perspective. My direction. The stigma surrounding postpartum depression makes it something not often talked about, but the struggle is real (I'm not even joking). I was suffering and, as a result, so was the rest of my family. Once things started to improve, I made the decision to not only be open and honest about it, but to share my experience with others. While it hasn't been an easy journey, it has allowed for quite a bit of growth. I feel like I am finding myself - like I am finally able to be my best self for my family. And that is a beautiful thing.

SIX

Oh hey, blog. I sort of forgot about you. It's these six littles. They are crazy. And hard. And crazy hard. It's funny to me - up until now, adding another little to our family was not much of an adjustment. I could tackle the world minutes after returning home from the hospital. This time, though. Eesh. Not so much. These last [almost] four weeks have been rough. Not being able to recover in my "normal" time-frame did not help matters, either. So I can tell you - WITHOUT A DOUBT - that six is our limit. I mean six kids in 6 years is just pure insanity. Waaaaay more crazy than five kids in 5 years. Trust me. But you know what? Even though there have been some flat-out miserable days, I wouldn't change anything. This difficult phase is just that. A phase. It won't be long before I am back to conquering this "mom of many" thing (I hope). For now, the house might not be as orderly as I would like. The kids might not be taught preschool every day. And I might not cross off all the tasks on my to-do list. It's okay. We'll make it.

HMM

Well. It looks like blogging isn't in the cards for me for 2013. Which is weird because when I DO things, I totally write a blog post in my head about it. Like the trip to the cabin we took in July. Or when I was accosted about my 5th pregnancy at the grocery store. Or the beach vacay in Cali that we just returned home from. Or the fact that I am doing preschool in my home for my two oldest. Things are definitely happening here. I am just not blogging them. Or really photographing them (luckily, I AM journaling them). I can't even give you a good excuse as to why. I'm just not. And I am cool with it. I DID stumble across this video below. And I'd like to think that this is my reasoning. Pretty powerful. Social media isn't bad. It's just a huge distraction. So we will see. I WANT to blog. I WILL blog. Just not when it interferes with my main focus: my littles.

RESOLUTIONS

Good intentions for the year - that last through about January.
I use to make resolutions. Set goals for the year and worked at achieving them. But last year, as New Year's approached, I said, "forget it". You see, I am the type to ride myself too hard. And to beat myself up when I fall short of my aim. So last year I decided that I would not make specific resolutions outside of one; be better than last year. And I feel that I succeeded. 2012 was a good year. One in which I can be proud. Which is why my 2013 New Year's resolution is the same as last year's; be better than last year. It gives room for error and mistakes, while allowing for progress and growth. If I want to be a little more specific with my resolution, I can apply it to parenting. Be a better mother than last year. Which, of course, is the plan. But I do have other goals for the year. Goals that come from my 30 before THIRTY list. Journal every day for a year. Run 1 race a month for a year. 30 letters of gratitude. And maybe a few more if I get ambitious. If I can accomplish a few things from my list, I am sure to progress as an individual should. So here's to a new year. A new opportunity for personal growth. A new chance to shine.

RECOVERY

Yesterday was a fun day. But yesterday required a recovery day.
The anticipation of Christmas has been exciting, yet exhausting. I wanted Christmas to be magical for the kids. And it was. But that does not mean it was without its share of mishap. A few fights, some sadness, and an episode of parent chasing child later (both possibly screaming), we ended the evening snuggling together while enjoying a new movie. Now my house is a mess. My kids are insane. And my nerves are shot. So today we took a day to just get holiday craziness out of our system. Ran some errands in the morning. Watched a movie in the early afternoon. Played next-door in the evening. I didn't worry about schedules. Just made the day fun for little ones. And easy for myself. I should get right back on schedule tomorrow. But the mr. has off until January 2nd starting tomorrow at 2pm. Looks like the chaos shall continue...

PROCRASTINATION

I'll do it in five minutes, I swear.
My answer to everything, including this post. I say I will do it later. And I [almost] always do. But pushing things off until the last minute creates undue stress. Which is why I am evading said stress and cutting this post short. Maybe next week I won't procrastinate as badly as today. Fingers crossed.

BLESSED

November has been a month to reflect on gratitude. Turns out there is a multitude of blessings in my life. Which I knew already. But when you take the time to write them out, the magnitude of it all is overpowering.
In no particular order, I am grateful for:
my unique personality ~ my handsome, supportive, loving, respectful, amazing husband ~ four healthy little ones with their own unique personalities ~ my wonderful parents ~ fabulous in-laws that I consider to be family as much as my family ~ my family (just blanketing it so I don't drag this post on forever) ~ the world's best friends, old and new ~ an amazing ward that has welcomed us since day one ~ the greatest neighbors on the planet ~ a home. not perfect, but it is a wonderful place ~ my health. being a celiac is a con, but being a runner is a pro. balanced ~ the continual forward movement with gluten free products ~ not having pain ~ perfect pregnancies and deliveries that were free from complications ~ being able to stay home to raise my children ~ graduating from ASU, even if my degree is collecting dust ~ photography. didn't predict this direction, but I love it ~ my new-found love for running ~ being OCD. hard sometimes, but being super organized is the only reason I can do all that I do ~ my ability to learn and master [most] new skills with ease ~ my love of geography and culture. I see the world differently than most ~ the depth of my feelings. I use to hate the intensity, but I have learned that I am extremely compassionate for those I care for ~ adoption ~ the life I have been given.

There really is so much more, but I don't want to go on and on. I thought about adding "hot chocolate" and "peppermint kisses" because I am grateful for such silly, random things, too. But in all seriousness, the blessings listed above have been on my mind a lot lately. And I felt I had to express my deepest gratitude. I have a wonderful life.

RELAXATION

I don't even know what this word means, so how can I talk about it?!
I am in my hotel room in Michigan. Lights are off. Baby is sleeping. Yet I still feel the need to go 100 miles per minute. I really can't shut this part of my personality off. Ever. I have a photo board to arrange for the funeral. I have a million blog posts that need to be written. I have a camera that needs to capture everything in this tiny town. I have to shop. I have to organize. I have to go, go, go, go. I have just as many events as obligations ON VACATION that I would otherwise have if I were at home. Though I am here for my grandfather's funeral, I plan to made use of the extra time back East to visit with people I haven't seen in ages. A sweet friend and an awesome uncle. Every day will be full of doing this or that. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So even though I should use this time away from [most of] my kids to relax and unwind, I probably won't. Let's be honest. Relaxation is not a word in my vocabulary. The closest thing to it that I know is laziness. And I refuse to be lazy.

As tempting as it is to just sit for a minute in this dark room, the baby is stirring and this tiny town is calling my name...

OVERLOAD

Yup. It's Thursday again. And I am just now posting my Wednesday what.
You'll have to excuse me. November is my overload month. 6 photo shoots, plus OUR family photos. 2 family get togethers. 2 Thanksgivings. 1 Pinterest party for Relief Society. 1 funeral in Michigan. 1 5k to run. 1 birthday to celebrate. Parties. Showers. And everything else in between. Really. This month may kill me. But strangely, I like the stress of a full plate. Going nonstop exhausts me, but I love the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. And so far, everything has been falling into place perfectly. The only thing to suffer so far is a little housework and the blog. So I apologize if my house isn't its normal level of clean or if I miss a post or two this month. I am trying my best to do it all.

BOO

It's Halloween.
So I am just going to say BOO before I say bye for today. I have three little dragons that might gobble me up if I don't get everything ready for our neighborhood Halloween carnival. Happy haunting.

FORGETFULNESS

Yes, it is Thursday. And I am just now posting my Wednesday What.
What can I say? Having had children (so many, so quickly might I add) has made my brain turn into a lump of forgetfulness. While my spatial memory is incredible - I remember very specific details about locations I have only visited once - my short term memory is less than ideal. I feel as if I forget everything. Deadlines and obligations? Rarely meet them on time. Tasks and favors? Never remember to do them on my own. I would not remember daily appointments and events if not for my gigantic chalkboard wall calendar (which I have forgotten to share with you on multiple occasions). I know my memory is bad. And it only appears to be getting worse over time...
[True story: I looked at my phone while typing this post to find 7 new text messages. I missed them because I temporarily forgot I had a phone. Sigh. I fail.]

CONVICTION

Feeling something to your very bones.
Self-realization: I lack conviction. It is almost November in a presidential election year. Liberals and conservatives are showing just how staunch they are (primarily through political rants on Facebook). And I am over here like, "Hey, I just baked a cake!". I do not have the certitude that others feel. Not only about politics, but about almost everything. It's sad, really. I have always been the one to straddle the fence. To understand differing viewpoints on an issue. To see how every side has merits. This makes it difficult for me to "pick" a side or easily relate with those that have a steadfast opinion about particular subjects. It certainly makes it difficult for me to have conviction. So while the rest of the world gets heated over these important issues, I will be in my kitchen happily baking cakes and cookies. And then I will run a lot to burn off those naughty calories.

BEREAVEMENT

Bereavement. noun 1. the condition of having been deprived of something or someone valued 2. a death
I have been debating about sharing my feeling, thoughts, and emotions about the passing of my grandfather. Most people won't understand. Not in the way you might think, though. It is difficult to explain, but I will try.

I have never had a good relationship with my grandfather. I did not have a bad relationship with him, either. It just... was. The older I grew, the more I  understood about the true nature of his character. He mostly kept to himself, but could talk your ear off if you gave him the opportunity. He was a hard worker; he always had some sort of project with which he was occupied. He was a calloused man - not always so, but definitely in the last several years of life. There are some things about his character that should remain unspoken. Some things that are not for me to share. And some things that are better left in the past. But all that aside, he was the only grandfather I ever knew.

I got the message from my mom on Thursday evening that he was in the hospital. Possibly dying. This was not the first time he had been on what we thought was his death bed. I did not think much of it. He would bounce back as he has the last two or three times. Within a few hours, the gravity of the situation set in. He had sepsis. It was horrible. By Friday afternoon, my mom made the decision to send him to palliative care. There was no bouncing back. He should not suffer any longer as his body continued to shut down. Morphine was administered to help relieve the pain. He passed away just after noon on Saturday - 30 minutes before I was to visit him one, last time.

I did not cry. I still have not cried. And I do not know if I will. It saddens me to think that my one and only grandfather has passed away. But when I think back on the experiences and interactions I had with him, it is not as difficult. I understand that this is not the type of relationship most people have with a close relative. I never wanted it to be this way. But, in the words of someone very wise (and very loved), "it is what it is".

I hope he finds peace.

DISTRACTIONS

Hey look! A cookie...
I am the queen of distractions. Superior at getting side-tracked. It's an art, really. It has now taken me literally EIGHT attempts at making this post (sometimes I forget there is a "save" feature)... I have always been this way. I can't help but get fixated on something minuscule and [usually] insignificant when working on a lengthy project. Generally, my mini obsessions are harmless. In fact, they usually yield the opposite result and end up being either helpful or productive. Today was not the case. I realized quickly how being distracted can be dangerous. While working on a new recipe, I became overly focused on cleaning my sugary mess. The older two boys were at a friend's house. D was at the table eating lunch. N was asleep in her swing. The house was quiet and peaceful. I eventually looked up from cleaning to check on D. He was waving his arms sporadically in quick, jerky movements. His eyes were red. His face was ashen. His lips were purplish blue. D was not breathing, but a horrid gurgle was issuing forth from his throat. I can only describe the noise as sounding like death. I was so caught up in my cleaning that I did not realize that my baby boy was choking. I rushed over and immediately started giving him the Heimlich. As tempting as it was to scoop the grape from his throat with my finger, I knew I ran the risk of pushing it further down. So I pumped and pumped and pumped his little chest from behind until the grape was finally dislodged and fell into his lap. He looked at me, terrified from choking on the grape and, essentially, being manhandled by his Mommy. I instantly said a quick prayer of gratitude that D was okay. I know this will not happen every time I am distracted. I know that is not likely to ever happen again (especially since I have vowed no more grapes until he is 16). But this experience made me think about how easily I am distracted. And about everything I could be missing. The good. The bad. The mundane, day-to-day monotony that is my [happy] life. If I worry less about the little things I so often get fixated on, what things will I be present for?
Everything.

PATIENCE

Oh boy.
I have been trying to learn patience. Which sort of feels like a joke as I am the most impatient person I know. So impatient, I once cut my own hair because my neighbor/friend/"sister"/hairstylist would not do it on a Sunday and I just couldn't wait until Monday. Fail. Or take look at the spacing of my children: 12 months - 20 months - 12 months. Most people put an average of 2.5 years between children, but I couldn't wait that long (and honestly, 20 months felt like forever). Now that we feel done with adding to our family, I feel like I can focus a lot more energy into exercising patience. The one thing I remind myself daily is that my little ones have a completely different time table than I do. Tasks that I feel should take less than 60 seconds always seem to last at least 10 minutes. And I need to learn to be okay with that. By doing as I have asked, they are proving that they are listening and striving to do their best. Which is ultimately the most important thing. So I need to relax and stop rushing them constantly. And lets not even get started on patience in matters of money or physical fitness... I know patience is something that I will never master, but I do know that it something I can continuously improve upon.

ENDURANCE

Pushing harder and stronger for longer. Both in my running and in my life.
As I was running this morning, I thought a lot about endurance. I just started running a couple of weeks ago, but I decided today was the day I would run a full mile before stopping (and by stopping, I mean slowing to a walk). Something I have not done for about 8 years. The entire time, I told myself, "one step at a time - one foot in front of the other". I tried not to look at how far I had to go. Or to think about how bad my lungs and legs ached. Instead, I looked at the ground in front of me and thought about my running goals. 5k. 10k. Half marathon. Full marathon. No set date to accomplish all of these (but aiming for before my 30th birthday in just over 3 years). I know that I will be running in a 5k in January - the Color Run. And I am hoping that I will be strong enough for a 10k in February - Ethan's Run. So I used the thought of my goals to push through the discomfort so I could complete my first full mile. And I DID IT. Twice. Over two miles down with just a 10 yard speed walk in the middle. It didn't feel great. At least not physically. But mentally, I was on fire. And that's enough to keep me going harder, stronger, longer.

While I was running, I also thought about the endurance needed in every day life. Some days, we can run through life. Some days, we might need to walk a little (or a lot). And some days, we might stumble and fall. But if we know our goal and keeping going one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, we will make it. We may not see or understand the rewards immediately. But they will come. And we will be blessed for our efforts and our endurance.

PERSPECTIVE

Something I constantly try to think about.
Today is one of those days. If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about.

Whining/crying/screaming and the day has not even started. Fighting/hitting/throwing and breakfast only ended minutes ago. Wrestling/smothering/pushing and it is no where near nap time. One of those days where you are likely to lose it. One of those days you can't help but fall to pieces. One of those days that just feels like OH MY GOSH GET AWAY FROM THE BABY, NOW!

Yup. One of those days. But even though today is one of those days, I can have a positive perspective. I can have happiness. Today might be utterly horrible. My kids might be nothing short of miserable. And it is okay. I am okay. Because if I can just hang on long enough to survive today, I will have a new tomorrow. And today does not have to determine what tomorrow will be like. So here's to a better today and an even better tomorrow.

BALANCE

This one word sums up my life. My aspirations. My struggles. My accomplishments.
Since having had my fourth baby in less than the same number of years, I have been struggling to find a balance to my life. Adjusting to a newborn is not what was difficult for me. It was the fact that I had to continually adjust with her those first few months - so much so that things were never consistent. Now that baby girl is three months old and her demands are lessening, I have been able to get back into a rhythm that suits our family quite nicely. We have a daily routine that we follow loosely, which creates balance in our home. I am able to give a bit myself to each child while still reserving time for myself. And I am realizing that focusing on myself helps to strengthen that sense of balance as I am able to find my center. It has not been easy to find a routine that works so well. Not every day is free of stress or frustration. But as I assess the positives and negatives, each day brings me one step closer to finding that perfect balance.