BOO

It's Halloween.
So I am just going to say BOO before I say bye for today. I have three little dragons that might gobble me up if I don't get everything ready for our neighborhood Halloween carnival. Happy haunting.

WINNER, WINNER

I entered two giveaways within a week of one another. And I won both. WHAT?! Love my luck. The first giveaway was with Paxman Photography (Chris is awesome, btw). I won a mini family photo session (time to shop for outfits). The second giveaway (partially represented in the picture above) was with Big Red Clifford. I won the "be free" necklace from Chickadee Designs, $20 to Make Pie Not War (where the fabulous camera necklace is from), and $25 to Blessed Design Studios (I will post the prints I ordered another day). Maybe I should enter more giveaways...

FORGETFULNESS

Yes, it is Thursday. And I am just now posting my Wednesday What.
What can I say? Having had children (so many, so quickly might I add) has made my brain turn into a lump of forgetfulness. While my spatial memory is incredible - I remember very specific details about locations I have only visited once - my short term memory is less than ideal. I feel as if I forget everything. Deadlines and obligations? Rarely meet them on time. Tasks and favors? Never remember to do them on my own. I would not remember daily appointments and events if not for my gigantic chalkboard wall calendar (which I have forgotten to share with you on multiple occasions). I know my memory is bad. And it only appears to be getting worse over time...
[True story: I looked at my phone while typing this post to find 7 new text messages. I missed them because I temporarily forgot I had a phone. Sigh. I fail.]

CONVICTION

Feeling something to your very bones.
Self-realization: I lack conviction. It is almost November in a presidential election year. Liberals and conservatives are showing just how staunch they are (primarily through political rants on Facebook). And I am over here like, "Hey, I just baked a cake!". I do not have the certitude that others feel. Not only about politics, but about almost everything. It's sad, really. I have always been the one to straddle the fence. To understand differing viewpoints on an issue. To see how every side has merits. This makes it difficult for me to "pick" a side or easily relate with those that have a steadfast opinion about particular subjects. It certainly makes it difficult for me to have conviction. So while the rest of the world gets heated over these important issues, I will be in my kitchen happily baking cakes and cookies. And then I will run a lot to burn off those naughty calories.

BEREAVEMENT

Bereavement. noun 1. the condition of having been deprived of something or someone valued 2. a death
I have been debating about sharing my feeling, thoughts, and emotions about the passing of my grandfather. Most people won't understand. Not in the way you might think, though. It is difficult to explain, but I will try.

I have never had a good relationship with my grandfather. I did not have a bad relationship with him, either. It just... was. The older I grew, the more I  understood about the true nature of his character. He mostly kept to himself, but could talk your ear off if you gave him the opportunity. He was a hard worker; he always had some sort of project with which he was occupied. He was a calloused man - not always so, but definitely in the last several years of life. There are some things about his character that should remain unspoken. Some things that are not for me to share. And some things that are better left in the past. But all that aside, he was the only grandfather I ever knew.

I got the message from my mom on Thursday evening that he was in the hospital. Possibly dying. This was not the first time he had been on what we thought was his death bed. I did not think much of it. He would bounce back as he has the last two or three times. Within a few hours, the gravity of the situation set in. He had sepsis. It was horrible. By Friday afternoon, my mom made the decision to send him to palliative care. There was no bouncing back. He should not suffer any longer as his body continued to shut down. Morphine was administered to help relieve the pain. He passed away just after noon on Saturday - 30 minutes before I was to visit him one, last time.

I did not cry. I still have not cried. And I do not know if I will. It saddens me to think that my one and only grandfather has passed away. But when I think back on the experiences and interactions I had with him, it is not as difficult. I understand that this is not the type of relationship most people have with a close relative. I never wanted it to be this way. But, in the words of someone very wise (and very loved), "it is what it is".

I hope he finds peace.

NENE

Never been the type to have separation anxiety with my children. Not until this little beauty came along.

I hate being away from her for too long. Breaks my heart.

DISTRACTIONS

Hey look! A cookie...
I am the queen of distractions. Superior at getting side-tracked. It's an art, really. It has now taken me literally EIGHT attempts at making this post (sometimes I forget there is a "save" feature)... I have always been this way. I can't help but get fixated on something minuscule and [usually] insignificant when working on a lengthy project. Generally, my mini obsessions are harmless. In fact, they usually yield the opposite result and end up being either helpful or productive. Today was not the case. I realized quickly how being distracted can be dangerous. While working on a new recipe, I became overly focused on cleaning my sugary mess. The older two boys were at a friend's house. D was at the table eating lunch. N was asleep in her swing. The house was quiet and peaceful. I eventually looked up from cleaning to check on D. He was waving his arms sporadically in quick, jerky movements. His eyes were red. His face was ashen. His lips were purplish blue. D was not breathing, but a horrid gurgle was issuing forth from his throat. I can only describe the noise as sounding like death. I was so caught up in my cleaning that I did not realize that my baby boy was choking. I rushed over and immediately started giving him the Heimlich. As tempting as it was to scoop the grape from his throat with my finger, I knew I ran the risk of pushing it further down. So I pumped and pumped and pumped his little chest from behind until the grape was finally dislodged and fell into his lap. He looked at me, terrified from choking on the grape and, essentially, being manhandled by his Mommy. I instantly said a quick prayer of gratitude that D was okay. I know this will not happen every time I am distracted. I know that is not likely to ever happen again (especially since I have vowed no more grapes until he is 16). But this experience made me think about how easily I am distracted. And about everything I could be missing. The good. The bad. The mundane, day-to-day monotony that is my [happy] life. If I worry less about the little things I so often get fixated on, what things will I be present for?
Everything.