BEREAVEMENT

Bereavement. noun 1. the condition of having been deprived of something or someone valued 2. a death
I have been debating about sharing my feeling, thoughts, and emotions about the passing of my grandfather. Most people won't understand. Not in the way you might think, though. It is difficult to explain, but I will try.

I have never had a good relationship with my grandfather. I did not have a bad relationship with him, either. It just... was. The older I grew, the more I  understood about the true nature of his character. He mostly kept to himself, but could talk your ear off if you gave him the opportunity. He was a hard worker; he always had some sort of project with which he was occupied. He was a calloused man - not always so, but definitely in the last several years of life. There are some things about his character that should remain unspoken. Some things that are not for me to share. And some things that are better left in the past. But all that aside, he was the only grandfather I ever knew.

I got the message from my mom on Thursday evening that he was in the hospital. Possibly dying. This was not the first time he had been on what we thought was his death bed. I did not think much of it. He would bounce back as he has the last two or three times. Within a few hours, the gravity of the situation set in. He had sepsis. It was horrible. By Friday afternoon, my mom made the decision to send him to palliative care. There was no bouncing back. He should not suffer any longer as his body continued to shut down. Morphine was administered to help relieve the pain. He passed away just after noon on Saturday - 30 minutes before I was to visit him one, last time.

I did not cry. I still have not cried. And I do not know if I will. It saddens me to think that my one and only grandfather has passed away. But when I think back on the experiences and interactions I had with him, it is not as difficult. I understand that this is not the type of relationship most people have with a close relative. I never wanted it to be this way. But, in the words of someone very wise (and very loved), "it is what it is".

I hope he finds peace.